jeepurz 60 Posted May 3, 2014 I'm not an engineer(IT instead...), so I don't want any of you slide-rule wielding types coming and ripping off my glasses that are taped in the middle, but I thought these were all pretty funny.Understanding Engineers To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ******************************* Understanding Engineers A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" ******************************************** Understanding Engineers What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. ********************************************* Understanding Engineers The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?” ********************************************* Understanding Engineers Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" ********************************************** Understanding Engineers Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. ********************************************** Understanding Engineers An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool." ********************************** Two engineers??? Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" **********************************And Finally… A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but you are not helping me." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know." "Well," said the man, "you got yourself into a situation. you asked me a question, i gave the answer. except now, your situation is my fault." 7 Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ahopkinsVTX 7,115 Posted May 3, 2014 Haha nice, the last one is the best Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ADDICTED2WAKE 255 Posted May 3, 2014 Agreed, love the last one. Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenix 54 Posted May 3, 2014 Take the last one and substitute "Microsoft Tech Support" for Engineer, and it's funnier.While we're at it:-----------------------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers -An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said, "I like both.""Both?" they asked.Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." 1 Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheKiwi 179 Posted May 3, 2014 Hahah last one is too true. Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
formulaben 895 Posted May 3, 2014 Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. 1 Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Soon2BV 686 Posted May 3, 2014 There are 10 kids of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. /engineer 1 Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ajive 244 Posted May 4, 2014 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were teaching christianity in a country not tolerant of such things. They were caught and sentenced to death by beheading.The next day they are led to the guillotine and the priest is called first. When asked for his last request, he says "I would like to die facing heaven, please allow me to lie on my back." The undertaker obliged and allowed this. When he pulled the rope, the blade stuck on the way down. Seeing this as divine intervention, he allowed the priest to live and go free.The doctor is called and is asked for his last request. He responded "I guess since it worked for the priest, I think I'll lie on my back as well."Once again, the blade stuck and the doctor was allowed to go free.Finally, the engineer was called. He too asked to be executed while lying on his back. He was placed on the bench under the blade- "Wait, wait!" he said, "I think I see the problem."ba-dum! Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WheelerWake 99 Posted May 4, 2014 I would like to thank everyone for the kudos. 1 Go to top Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
